And now for something completely different--Things I love

I have been way to down lately. I need to quit it. A reminder of things that I love that do not include Paul.

I love him. But I need to learn to not focus on that as my center any more. That's way to much pressure for any one to handle.

I love animals. All of them. They are so pure in their reasoning and intent. I love comming to find that most mammals really just want love.

I love when people have something real to say.

I love having found such a cultural diverse work place.

I love being able to create things.

I independant designers, artists, and other creative people that go it on their own because they believe in their work, but maybe don't believe in big business.

I love people with beliefs.

I love cool ocean breezes

I love old school music

I love home cooked food

I love knowing that I have the whole world in front of me.

I love feather blankets

I love paper and pens and markers and paint

I love having confidence in my own decisions

I love things that are the wrong size

I love learning

I love new nice people

I know there is more, but my brains randomness is pulling me in a different direction. Till then.

Has it really been that long since I posted?

The short version of the story...I got an administrative kind of a job at a Dental Lab. It doesnt pay enough, but I have been there long enough to get comfortable now.

Well, the long version of the story I dont know if I am ok with sharing with the world yet. Lots of emotional crap has happened the past couple of months, and I dont really know what to say about any of it. I have a lot on my mind, but don't want to really put my foot in my mouth just yet.

Handel it.

If you read this, I will be in Chicago the first week in June. Hit me up.

Brain Explosions

A lot of things happen in your head when you are being sufocated. Too much quiet time, too much brain time, too much freaking out. The circles your brain goes in make things imposible. My mind strives for some kind of out put and outlet, but there are always hurdles and some of them cant be jumped.

I am learning that theres not much to me. I feel like I fell behind somewhere, and in searching to not miss a thing I missed it all.

One of Pausl favorite stories about me is that when I was in kindergarten my class had a field trip to the pumpkin patch. I was so excited to go that I got the butterflies in my stomache and I threw up. When you throw up in school they make you go home. I didnt get to go.

So scared and so nervous. Self consious to the end.

I have job interviews tomorrow and instead of getting a good nights rest im laying here with my mind going. Not that this is what has my mind going. My mind has been going. It never really stops, but lately it has been spinning in dangerous directions.

Orange County is no good for souls like mine or people like me. For those of us that like to lable bullshit there is just too much to handle out here.

And then we realize that we were never given, or more so never picked up on our own, the ways to properly express our anger with it all.

So once again to just watch tv as my gears spin me off in bad directions.

Some shit has changed, I guess

Ok, so I havent said much. Thats because I'm too busy being depressed and angry with how life is going.

My job, after the initial push, isnt doing as well. Everyones hours got cut back to like two days a week, and the money just isn't coming in.

Well, get a new job you say. I would love to, but I'm tired of this Restaurant bullshit. I want to get started on something.

Do do what I got a degree for, I need to go to LA

To go to LA I need some money to get an apartment and pretty much Paul's consent (which I pretty much have, he's down to move back to a city)

TO HAVE MONEY I NEED A NEW JOB

Also all my school loans are coming in now. My payments on them so far are like 600...no like 700 a month for all of them. I haven't consolidated them or anything...so that will go down but I'm still trying to figure out what my best course of action there is...

Soon I have to pay for my own car insurance.

And to top it all off, I cant really go to my parents for help because there in the middle of what is soon to be a divorce, and I am on my my mothers side (my father has been a crazy jerk since he started taking these allergy pills and no one likes him any more) but he has it in his mind that hes gunna take everything from her.

So, no help there cause I'm openly on her side. Ass.

So, money sucks.

And, ok, everyone likes the weather in California...but I must say this perpetual summer gets kind of disgusting. Its about to be Christmas time and all those holiday cheers you get when the weather starts to turn cold...they just aren't there.

And I miss my family. Because of money I don't know if I will be able to even friggin see them this winter Christmas.

That's another thing, If i get a new job it will be really hard to go out there for Christmas I think. "Hello, hire me, I'm gunna be gone for the holidays"

Yeah right.

I HAVE A NEW CELL NUMBER
but I don't really want to post it in public so myspace me if you want it.


Seacrest out

Itsgetting better all the time

Working for the upper class gets easier as you go. We have a player piano that plays the same 12 songs over and over again ranging from "California girls" to "Mary had a little lamb." No joke. I don't have much to say I just wanted everyone to know that I am freaking out a little less now.

I'm actually rising above a lot of the other servers as one of the better ones. I don't freak out and I can handle my shit on my own...the other people freak out kind of.

I'm in a tank top but I'm kind of cold...but I want to wear a tank top today damn it. Today is my day off so I actually got to put some thought into what I was wearing, considering I will get to wear it all day not just while I'm not wearing my work uniform.

Nana just did this thing where she was all "this thing I got says people over 25 need to exercise more" and I know that is her trying to skinny me. She's trying really hard to slim me down, and part of me appreciates it but part of me is pissed. I have actually lost a lot of weight lately and I feel like people urging me to keep going instead of congratulating me on what I have done will only turn me anorexic really quick.

But then again, I don't live for approval that much. Just a little bit.

And...for those of you that read...talk at me losers.

I may be in over my head

Ok, so I don't know shit about shit about being a "real" server. I learned this last night. I'm NOT fancy at all...and I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb for real. BUT the cool part is everyone is willing to like help fancy me up...teach me how it goes a little bit...without making me feel dumb some how (as Paul knows this is a difficult task).

All I know is I served three tables last night and walked out with around 90 dollars. Granted this was a training day and these three tables are going to be more giving and forgiving...but still they all pretty much tipped their 20 percent. I didn't get a crazy hand out in there which means that serving three tables and making that much money isn't such a far fetched thing in the "real world" of Jason's Downtown.

Learned about the tip-out policy tonight. It's decent. I still need to know how much money I'm making on the clock, especially as far as hosting is concerned.

Need to straighten out parking. I parked where they told me to last night and ended up with this weirdo "You need to pay us your parking fee" ticket, which didn't look like a real ticket so much as them begging for me to pay eventually. I was told it would be a dollar for night shift, so i don't know what that's about.

Well, I should go and start my day.

SIDE NOTE>>>

If anyone knows any good tutorials on how to make this blog a little cooler...send them my way. By no means am I an HTML pro...but I have one sleeping next to me I think so yeah.


Also, I could really go for some banana bread right about now. Yeah, that's what I want, banana bread.