Crazyness

So, once again people have things to say that are kind of crazy about the situation.

I get to feeling all good about this new move and situation, and then some one has to interject about how this is a crazy idea, and how I'm making a big mistake, and it isn't even my own parents this time.

But, I don't really want to think about that, let alone put it all down here for the world to read. That's them, not me, and it isn't right for me to air it all out I suppose.

But what I did want to do here is write something for myself of the future. I want to write how I am feeling about this whole situation so that later I can't say "God that was a stupid fucking mistake, why the hell did I do that"

What it all boils down to, Sarah of the future, is that you are at kind of a loss here. Damned maybe if you do, but damned by your own curiosity forever for sure if you don't.

Like the butthole surfers said

I know, that has gotten me in plenty of trouble before...and I'm sure there's more to come...

But, I have an option here. A decision. I can either go and be with some one I love, and try to start a life with them, or I can let them go and try to start a life on my own.

I have been over and over the decision many many times. Maybe that is why what happened did happen, because I thought it was my "big sign" that God or karma or whatever was trying to give me, when in reality it was just the fact that everything seems like a good idea when your drunk.

So, the reason I am moving is not so that I can go be with this other family, and get away from the two (my own mostly, Paul's mother and friends secondly) I have here. It is not to go out there because that is where I have to go to get a job. It's true, there are many jobs out there that are right up my alley, but there are even more fuckers trying to get those jobs. I am going out there to be with the person I love, because if I don't I will always wonder what could have been.

I am going out there because out there is some one built to my specifications. Out there is some one that allows me my craziness, and who has his own brand of crazy that is just the kind that I know how to soothe (all vice-verse)

I am going out there because I have been given an opportunity, and if I do not take it I won't ever forget it...the curiosity will drive me insane. I can mend my heart after the hurt of the loss, but the curiosity of what could have been will poke me like those pins you get after your foot falls asleep.

I am going out there because if I don't keep "moving" I will stand still and become contented and dormant.

But she is right.

I do have to get a place right away. I do need to let them not have control over me. I need to be strong and let any of their things just bounce off of me. I need to be sure of what I have out there.

I think I will be fine short of something really drastic, and with as fuck it as Paul and I am if something like that happens hopefully we can walk away together.

Another thing I want to tell myself right now though is that if he will not walk away with me when walking away has to happen, I have to go it alone. I will not sacrifice everything for him. I can bend for him but I will not break for him. That's not right, not that I think he would ask it.

All I'm saying is, he is a lot deeper in than me. When the plane is going down, you have to put your life mask on first, then attach the life mask thing on to the person next to you if they need help.

I can't help any one else if I'm fucked too.

I'll be fine. Will he?

I am probably giving what she said a little too much thought, but she is so dead on with some things that I can't help but think it. I can't help but store what everyone says as a little token nugget in the back of my brain for later.

But I know how to do it. I know how to win people when I have time with them. I can't do it just right away. I grow on people, that's one thing that she does not do. Not only that but I am good at sitting quietly and observing.

I'll be fine. Be nice, and polite, and relax. Be helpful and a joy to be around for the bit I am there, and things will be great. Do work every day to get things going for myself.

If they have no reasons or excuses to not like me, and they still don't then I will know she was right. If they say crazy things to me and I face them with a mind and a brain instead of flying off the handle with emotions, then I will be fine.

Your biggest asset is your common sense, your brain, and your logic and reason Sarah. Use it.

Yeah

It's all gunna be ok. And if it isn't all ok, it's still going to be all ok eventually.