This is the part I call sadness

I hate when things are over, and with the last sheet at work going up with any of my shifts on them, I felt a twinge of sadness at leaving all that I have managed to do here in Chicago behind.

With this said, I am ready to start everything else. I am ready to get back to Paul. "We can be us again" he said to me on the phone the other day. It was the perfect thing to say, because it was one of those simple stupid true statements. Once upon a time there had been and us, a corporate culture almost. Six months later that all seems like a fuzzy foggy dream

I'm still absolutely amazed that he likes me. Beyond being in love with him, I am impressed and in awe of him. He inspires me to be great. He knows how to push me right.

The boyfriend I had before Paul just got married this summer. Had I stayed with him, that would have been me long ago, I'm sure of it. We can say many things about that. I probably would have been "ok" too.

I don't want my life to just be "ok." As Paul would say, it has to be the "ultimate" only he wouldn't say "the" ultimate, and it would be catchier than that some how.

Everything he touches turns to gold...you know besides state mandatory licence papers. Also me, I'm not made of gold yet.

I will be very sad to leave all my friends and family behind though. Some people are making a bigger deal of it than it is. People I never really hung out with are telling me they will miss me, and that makes me think. If tomorrow I told you I was staying, would you take the chance to hang out with me more? Would you try to be my friend?

I think a lot of people try to be my friend, but I have been ignoring it. Slowly I have been shutting off. It will only hurt more if I don't.

I get too emotionally attached too quickly if I let myself. That's why I have called so many of my guy friends "like brothers" It's the way I treat guys like Doug and Jolly, and why I give them so much shit for being fuckers.

There are a hand full of people I would like to keep in touch with, but much like my high school friends I feel like after all of this there might not be a point any more. Why struggle to keep something alive when the soul of it has died?

To keep connection with the past? To feel like it hasn't gone?

I'm getting kind of deep here. I apologize, but endings always fuck with me. Leaving people always always fucks with me.

At the same time, I can't wait for the people I will meet out there. Sad excitement makes for an interesting cocktail.

Just promise yourself something Sarah, when you go out there, once money gets figured out and you don't have to worry as much as you had to here, make it fucking count this time. Make it everything you want it to be. Have your fun. Take your pictures. Enjoy your life for once, without worrying about any of it.

That's what you missed out on here.

Thing are going to be great, but I won't lie, I'm fucking scared.

I do have people behind me though. I have made more friends than I have enemies. As long as I keep that going, everything will be all right.

Now if anyone wants to find me a job, that will be super.