Sad Boy

Sad boy,
Soul drips away
Day to day,
No longer depending on the count down
Focused only on the desertion.

Sad boy,
Taking cares
Not to vent at you
Only boiling inside, evaporating.
Churning out cold melancholy

No release allowed any longer.
He tells himself it’s for the best,
And she agrees only deepening the wound.

Chained and bound to decisions
Like a martyr he never wished to be

Sad boy,
Learning how to unforgive
Learning the ways of depression
Forgetting the count down because
After all
You can only count backwards for so long.

Soon to be me?

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA WHEN:Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income(and you think itsnormal)

You drive next to a Rolls Royce and don't notice.--I wouldnt notice now.

You don't know any one's phone number unless you check your cell phone.---Check, besides work, my parents, and Paul (and that's only because it use to be mine, I'm sure)

You speak Spanish, but you're not Mexican or Latino.--not all the way yet0

You begin to "lie" to your friends about how close you are when you know damn well that it'll take you at least an hour to getto their house(see below)---I don't have friends...wah wahhh

Getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the distance,takes about "twenty minutes".---Same for Chicago, only it's "15"

You drive to your neighborhood block party.--block parties suck

In the "winter", you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the same day or mow your lawn in your shorts on New Years Day, and maybe sunburn.---I don't mow lawns ever...but I'm down for the sunburn on new years

You eat a different ethnic food for every meal--Ick

If your destination is more than 5 minutes away onfoot, you're definitely driving--maybe if you fuckers walked some times you wouldnt have to pack the gym at 3...asswipes

Calling your neighbors requires knowing their areacode---but I dont have to think about it, it's in my cell

You know what "In-'N-Out" is and feel bad for all theother states because they don't have any. Yes yes Jolly...I will send you some. Send me your addy.

Stop signs stand for, Slow To Observe Police.---You mean a Chicago Rolling Stop...pretty sure we invented that.

You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.--nope

You eat pineapple on pizza.---double nope

Your cell phone has left a permanent impression onthe side of your head.--not yet

You think that Venice is a beach.---it is...it's also a city with boat cars

The waitress asks if you'd like "carbs" in your meal.---I wont if I'm one.

You know who the tinsel underwear dude in VeniceBeach is.---Hey I know that guy. Theres a gold you on Michigan Ave ripping off your routine.

You classify new people you meet by their Area Code.An "818" would never date a "562" and anyone from"323," "310," or "213" is ghetto/second class. Bestarea code: "949/714."Nobody likes anyone from the "909/951" because itstinks there and you consider the "619" to be thenice side of Tijuana, Mexico.---that should be fun...the SoCal version of "I live in lincoln park...oh yeah well I live in Pilsen" bla

You call 911 and they put you on hold.

You have a gym membership because it's mandatory---eat a dick. Wait. I probably will get one.

The gym is packed at 3 pm ...on a workday---Cant wait for my first boob job.

You think you are better than the people who live"Over the Hill". It doesn't matter which side of thehill you are currently residing, you are just betterthan them, for whatever reason.----I want this explained to me

You know that if you drive two miles in any directionyou will find a Subway or a Starbucks---two whole miles. There are three starbucks within a block or two from Uno's.

You know what "Sigalert", "PCH", and the "Five" mean.---Nope, don't know what these mean.

You know the meaning behind the name of the 405freeway.... because ittakes 4 hours to get one way, and 5 hours to getback.---let me guess this is the one that I will end up taking?

It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report onevery news station: "STORM WATCH".---unless theres 6 inches of snow on the ground, I'm good.

The Terminator is your governor.---sweet!


Lots of typos I'm not fixin!

This is the part I call sadness

I hate when things are over, and with the last sheet at work going up with any of my shifts on them, I felt a twinge of sadness at leaving all that I have managed to do here in Chicago behind.

With this said, I am ready to start everything else. I am ready to get back to Paul. "We can be us again" he said to me on the phone the other day. It was the perfect thing to say, because it was one of those simple stupid true statements. Once upon a time there had been and us, a corporate culture almost. Six months later that all seems like a fuzzy foggy dream

I'm still absolutely amazed that he likes me. Beyond being in love with him, I am impressed and in awe of him. He inspires me to be great. He knows how to push me right.

The boyfriend I had before Paul just got married this summer. Had I stayed with him, that would have been me long ago, I'm sure of it. We can say many things about that. I probably would have been "ok" too.

I don't want my life to just be "ok." As Paul would say, it has to be the "ultimate" only he wouldn't say "the" ultimate, and it would be catchier than that some how.

Everything he touches turns to gold...you know besides state mandatory licence papers. Also me, I'm not made of gold yet.

I will be very sad to leave all my friends and family behind though. Some people are making a bigger deal of it than it is. People I never really hung out with are telling me they will miss me, and that makes me think. If tomorrow I told you I was staying, would you take the chance to hang out with me more? Would you try to be my friend?

I think a lot of people try to be my friend, but I have been ignoring it. Slowly I have been shutting off. It will only hurt more if I don't.

I get too emotionally attached too quickly if I let myself. That's why I have called so many of my guy friends "like brothers" It's the way I treat guys like Doug and Jolly, and why I give them so much shit for being fuckers.

There are a hand full of people I would like to keep in touch with, but much like my high school friends I feel like after all of this there might not be a point any more. Why struggle to keep something alive when the soul of it has died?

To keep connection with the past? To feel like it hasn't gone?

I'm getting kind of deep here. I apologize, but endings always fuck with me. Leaving people always always fucks with me.

At the same time, I can't wait for the people I will meet out there. Sad excitement makes for an interesting cocktail.

Just promise yourself something Sarah, when you go out there, once money gets figured out and you don't have to worry as much as you had to here, make it fucking count this time. Make it everything you want it to be. Have your fun. Take your pictures. Enjoy your life for once, without worrying about any of it.

That's what you missed out on here.

Thing are going to be great, but I won't lie, I'm fucking scared.

I do have people behind me though. I have made more friends than I have enemies. As long as I keep that going, everything will be all right.

Now if anyone wants to find me a job, that will be super.

Paul Called Me Clark Grizwald

And I kind of took it as a compliment.

Also, Route 66

Also, I have decided that I'm gunna take the "kinda" route 66 down to my new digs. I'm gunna do most of the driving on the highway that follows the old route, but I have a book that tells me cool things to go do now, so I can take a detour or two and go see some of the crazy tourist traps and what not once we get into that south western part.

Even with all the mind fuckery, I still cant help but be excited.

Also, I have a kitty on my feet. Oh how I will miss these boogers.

Crazyness

So, once again people have things to say that are kind of crazy about the situation.

I get to feeling all good about this new move and situation, and then some one has to interject about how this is a crazy idea, and how I'm making a big mistake, and it isn't even my own parents this time.

But, I don't really want to think about that, let alone put it all down here for the world to read. That's them, not me, and it isn't right for me to air it all out I suppose.

But what I did want to do here is write something for myself of the future. I want to write how I am feeling about this whole situation so that later I can't say "God that was a stupid fucking mistake, why the hell did I do that"

What it all boils down to, Sarah of the future, is that you are at kind of a loss here. Damned maybe if you do, but damned by your own curiosity forever for sure if you don't.

Like the butthole surfers said

I know, that has gotten me in plenty of trouble before...and I'm sure there's more to come...

But, I have an option here. A decision. I can either go and be with some one I love, and try to start a life with them, or I can let them go and try to start a life on my own.

I have been over and over the decision many many times. Maybe that is why what happened did happen, because I thought it was my "big sign" that God or karma or whatever was trying to give me, when in reality it was just the fact that everything seems like a good idea when your drunk.

So, the reason I am moving is not so that I can go be with this other family, and get away from the two (my own mostly, Paul's mother and friends secondly) I have here. It is not to go out there because that is where I have to go to get a job. It's true, there are many jobs out there that are right up my alley, but there are even more fuckers trying to get those jobs. I am going out there to be with the person I love, because if I don't I will always wonder what could have been.

I am going out there because out there is some one built to my specifications. Out there is some one that allows me my craziness, and who has his own brand of crazy that is just the kind that I know how to soothe (all vice-verse)

I am going out there because I have been given an opportunity, and if I do not take it I won't ever forget it...the curiosity will drive me insane. I can mend my heart after the hurt of the loss, but the curiosity of what could have been will poke me like those pins you get after your foot falls asleep.

I am going out there because if I don't keep "moving" I will stand still and become contented and dormant.

But she is right.

I do have to get a place right away. I do need to let them not have control over me. I need to be strong and let any of their things just bounce off of me. I need to be sure of what I have out there.

I think I will be fine short of something really drastic, and with as fuck it as Paul and I am if something like that happens hopefully we can walk away together.

Another thing I want to tell myself right now though is that if he will not walk away with me when walking away has to happen, I have to go it alone. I will not sacrifice everything for him. I can bend for him but I will not break for him. That's not right, not that I think he would ask it.

All I'm saying is, he is a lot deeper in than me. When the plane is going down, you have to put your life mask on first, then attach the life mask thing on to the person next to you if they need help.

I can't help any one else if I'm fucked too.

I'll be fine. Will he?

I am probably giving what she said a little too much thought, but she is so dead on with some things that I can't help but think it. I can't help but store what everyone says as a little token nugget in the back of my brain for later.

But I know how to do it. I know how to win people when I have time with them. I can't do it just right away. I grow on people, that's one thing that she does not do. Not only that but I am good at sitting quietly and observing.

I'll be fine. Be nice, and polite, and relax. Be helpful and a joy to be around for the bit I am there, and things will be great. Do work every day to get things going for myself.

If they have no reasons or excuses to not like me, and they still don't then I will know she was right. If they say crazy things to me and I face them with a mind and a brain instead of flying off the handle with emotions, then I will be fine.

Your biggest asset is your common sense, your brain, and your logic and reason Sarah. Use it.

Yeah

It's all gunna be ok. And if it isn't all ok, it's still going to be all ok eventually.

Packing update/celebration

I fit all of my kitchen stuff then some into a medium packing box. That includes

3 glass casserole dishes
pots
pans
glass pot and pan lids
baking sheet
two round baking pans
one square baking pan
a crock pot
three spring form pans
two large dinner plates
like 6 or so little sandwich plates
forks
knives
spoons
a set of 6 or so big plastic spoons with holes or for past and what not
big knives
a blender
a funnel
two big bowls with lids
a lot of teabags
a lot of spices
5 dish rags
a little mini chopper thing
one coffee cup (its pretty I like it, there was room so neenerneeenerrr)
oh, and then there was still room...so I put my lava lamp in there too.

I rule.

Packing

Something tells me, the kitties know what's up. They look at me whenever I start to pack things up like "oh no, not again, you bitch"

Well...if you only knew what you had in store for you kids. Your new home comes complete with two more cats, and another dog. My mother is going to kill my.

Packing up this time is strange, to say the least. I will be driving cross country, and taking with me only what can fit in my car, possibly minus some room to get Paul's electronic drum set. I cant help but think of that old Oregon trail where you could only take so many pounds of stuff with you, and you have to pick only the necessities.

So far, I think I'm doing alright. I have my trunk, and that has most of my clothes in it. I think I can fit some more in there. I forget. I have one small box with some things that are going with me. I have that Drawer thing I have with most of my craft stuff, and one more plastic container for crafties. Two shoe boxes with several pairs of shoes crammed in. One other box with my scale and some other things...its about one foot by two foot by 6 inches maybe, its a flat box. Last is my medium size kitchen box. Since Paul and I wont be moving in with his sister, I figure I aught to keep this stuff since we will need these things anyway. He keeps telling me we will just buy new when we get there...but the amount of money we will be saving by not getting all new pot and pans sets seems worth it to me.

I don't think I'm bringing the television out there, so that's a plus. We can get a new one of those instead.

What's getting me is all my blankets. I love my bed stuff. Love it to death. The idea of parting with my blankies is like gut wrenching. I have already gotten rid of the ones that are old, have been peed on by cats, or are just ugly and stained in general, but that leaves me with

~A feather blanket I know I'm taking
~My blue and pink stripie one I have had forever
~This one really good thick heavy one from downstairs I would like to keep. It's good for like lawn laying and things like that
~My electric blanket. I don't suppose I will need it in California, but my parents gave it to me as a gift just last year, I would feel like a bastard getting rid of it. Although, I could leave it with them just fine I suppose. Also, I could leave it for now, and take it out there for "winter" and then we could just not ever use heat

Not to mention my feather bed thing under my sheets. That thing is huge. It can be crammed down a bunch (feathers are cool like that) but still...that thing is the shit. I want to have it. I guess I should leave it with my parents as well for when I visit back home. that mattress isn't exactly great, and Paul says the one he has there is awesome.

Arg.

The idea of leaving my stuff behind sucks. It's not that I'm a huge pack rat...ok I kind of am....but the idea of accumulating stuff that you like just to get rid of it eventually sucks my ass.

Like, for example, I'm not settling out there. I will be moving once again. I wont raise bratty little orange county kids.

IM GUNNA HAVE TO DO THIS AT LEAST ONE MORE TIME

Hopefully then it will be worth it to like, get the big ass moving truck and move all my stuff. Hopefully by that point in my life I will have money enough to do that.

I'll tell you what though, I'm getting good at filling every last crack of moving boxes with shit. Of course my boxes end up so heavy that only boys can carry them....but that's ok.

I'm going to miss my kitties for those few months though. I might come pick them up sooner, you never know. There going to be expensive too, because most places have some ungodly pet deposit. Maybe I will just keep them a secret.

Tee hee Secret kitties.

The move will hopefully be done in a Honda Civic...purchased while I am in Michigan.

I talked to my Dad about helping me out with that the other day...and didn't really get a straight answer from him which is scary. I need a car though, and will figure something out. Now with Paul's plane ticket bought and everything, it all kind of has to work out for me. There's not really a choice.

If I have to, I will be packing up the Metro and taking her out west.

Hopefully, while fording the river, my oxen wont die. That would suck.

What a great idea Mutterspud!!!

I too shall blog away my troubles. You face the jungle that is Panamo, I face the jungle that is Orange County.

I shall cronicle my journey through this "hopeless fucking hole" (good god I love you Maynard) and also let all you losers know how I'm doing/how well I can spell.